Landing with a thud.

Haven’t written in awhile.  I more or less have to at this point because I kind of have no freaking idea where I am in this mess and the only way I know how to find a path to somewhere – maybe even decide where the hell that somewhere is – is to write.

I just found myself checking out how old the girl was in Eat, Pray, Love thinking that perhaps whatever THIS is, it is some kind of 45 year old woman common experience.  Apparently I am going through my 30 something crisis a bit late…or I have to do some more research.

I’m not going through a divorce or anything (never been married) – though I’ve had my scars and my share of temper tantrums… I am quite into food though and have just come to accept my ‘new size’… and pray that I MIGHT start the exercise routine that will ensure that I don’t have to get used to yet another ‘new size’….and I am being challenged by someone to accept being cared about…which has in turn challenged me to realize just how tightly I’ve shut everyone out…  There is not metaphor to explain this sensation – but it is palpable to me and likely then to others.  Before ‘all this’, I was told I had walls up all the time.  Now it feels like a fortress with a great big moat.  I probably seem about as warm as December breeze in Fargo.  Meanwhile this one soul just keeps tapping away at the door but I’ve lost the key and it’s locked from the inside.  Well just how the hell did that happen?

Actually, I have a pretty good idea why.

But the important layers have much more to do with what I have been attempting to accomplish in the last few years while all of the ‘why’ was happening; professionally but also as a human, err..citizen of humanity.  And the glorious level of hiccups that have occurred along the way.  But aren’t all those ‘failures’ supposed to lead to great success…that is what they say in all those conferences right? smh

Wasn’t it once upon a time that I longed to be able to say the word ‘collaboration’ out loud without shivering… and now I have impaled myself upon my many messy attempts to do so – well shouldn’t it be a little like ‘fuck it’?  No, actually it means more to me now.  I mean ‘at my age’ shouldn’t I have figured it out by now?

Before I was just doing it because I got tired of feeling like I couldn’t – so I just pulled a hail mary and did..again and again and again…

Now something switch and I feel like I’m bringing way more to the table (just not always my grown up grammar skilz).  I want to choose carefully and act methodically… I don’t know how many more cliffs there are before me until I reach to one without a bottom. (Which is why you always remember the rope – ref: the backstory)